Relationships

Bonding over horror stories. It’s what’s cruisers do every time they get together.

But is it just complaining about hard times? Or does it serve a purpose?

When Cruisers Get Together

What do cruisers do when they get together?

Well, yes. They drink. Much of the time.

But it doesn’t take long for the stories to start coming out. And not stories about the sea turtle one spotted in the sound. Or the amazing green flash seen at sunset. Or even success stories about varnishing or docking.

Nope, the stories that cruisers tell when they get together are horrible. They involve marine holding tanks overflowing, near-misses with container ships, and engines that stop running within a few yards of not-yet-open bascule bridges.

And it’s not just cranky cruisers with a pessimistic view of life. Everyone does it.

Why?

Cruisers Bond Over Horror Stories

You might never walk up to a stranger on a city street and start a conversation with them. But when you travel like a nomad on a boat or RV, nearly everyone you see is a stranger to you.

You learn to talk to strangers or you don’t talk to anyone not already living on your boat.

But how do you build relationships with people you don’t work with? Or live with?

You do it by seeking “cognitive empathy” or understanding from people who have been through what you have.

Because other cruisers have had similar experiences, you know they’ll understand where you’re coming from. In fact, they may understand you better than family and friends not living the same life.

And sharing the horror stories that have happened to all of us creates a bond quickly where none existed before. And when you live the nomad life, those bonds are crucial.

Importance Of Bonding

Why is it important to bond over sundowners with other cruisers? Especially if you’re unlikely to run into each other again?

I’ve found several benefits to bonding over horror stories with fellow cruisers:

To Make Friends

Everyone needs friends. And working remotely or traveling makes it harder to meet new people. Luckily, the bonding you do over horror stories will form strong friendships even if you don’t see your friends very often.

To this day, I interact regularly on Facebook with people I’ve only met briefly while cruising. You can form strong bonds when you share your horror stories.

Those horror story bonding sessions keep you from feeling lonely.

To Learn

Sometimes I wonder if I’m being too cautious when I have the boat shut up tight while we’re motoring on the Intracoastal Waterway on a calm day. But then I remember a story one cruiser told me.

She wasn’t feeling well. So she went below to the aft cabin to lie down. She was joined by their little dog.

It was a hot day and very calm. So she opened the ports over her bed. The next thing she knew, she, the dog, and her bedding were soaking wet.

A fast powerboat made a huge wake–much of which ended up inside their aft cabin.

I haven’t yet had the chance to sail offshore on my boat at night. But when I do, I know I won’t forget the story of the cruiser who looked up in the middle of his watch to realize that he could no longer see the stars.

He recovers his wits in time to recognize that a massive tanker had pulled alongside him without his realizing it and had blocked his view of the sky.

He had come within a few feet of the other boat without realizing it.

Yeah, that’s a lesson I’d much rather learn from hearing someone else’s story.

To encourage inter-dependence

Everyone depends on everyone else. But there’s nothing like setting out on your tiny vessel to understand it for real.

Rehearsing horror stories around a cockpit while drinking wine reminds us that bad things happen all the time. We need to be alert to others around us and offer help when can.

We were walking our dog on the beach when we saw that a small, recreational powerboat had grounded hard with the tide going out. He wasn’t able to get his boat off the sand without help.

So every boater on the beach headed into the water to give him a push until he found deeper water.

As the boater pulled away, one of the helpers looked at everyone else and said, “And that’s why you always wave at fellow boaters underway.”

The bonds we form, whether by waving or by sharing tales, help us help each other. They help us connect.

Sharing Horror Stories

Don’t look back on your tough experiences with dread. Think of all the great stories you’ll have to share at your next cruiser happy hour.

Heck, if you’re really good, you might even be able to see them as great yarns while they’re actually happening.

Your torn sail or damaged rudder isn’t a disaster. It’s just one more horror story that will help you bond with fellow cruisers.

Your Turn: Have you bonded with strangers by sharing horror stories? Or by grousing, like during jury duty?

Photo by Yogendra Singh from Pexels

When you travel with a partner, effective communication may save your life. Or at least your relationship. 

But how do you do it?

Effective Communication Is Key

Recently, I was chatting with a woman who had held high-powered jobs in the U.S. government. She said, “Communication is key. I don’t think I’ve attended a single meeting in my entire career where someone didn’t say that.” 

Despite hearing the same message throughout her professional life, she was struggling to communicate with her partner. 

I started thinking—what do people mean when they talk about effective communication? 

As I started doing research, I found tons of articles about how one needs to speak to get their message across. 

But what if the key to effective communication has less to do with the speaker and more to do with the listener? How much more effective would our communication be if we spent at least as much time thinking about how our partner needs to receive communications than about how we deliver it?

3 T’s of Effective Communication

If I had thought about it, I would have told you my husband and I communicated pretty well. That is if I had thought about it before we moved onto Meander.

But the challenges we faced on board, the mismatch of our expectations, and the anxiety of doing something new showed us the flaws in our communication. Over time, we’ve both gotten better.

We would have done better, sooner, if we had spent more time thinking about how the other person heard things and less time thinking about what we wanted to communicate.

In short, we would have done better to always remember the 3 T’s of communicating effectively so our partner can hear the message.

Tone

My husband is on the helm. I say to him, “You might want to keep an eye on that container ship on your port side.”

His reply? “I knooooooow,” just dripping with “I-see-it-you-don’t-have-to-tell-me” attitude. 

Let’s just say it doesn’t make me feel charitably inclined toward him. Which leads to a marked deterioration in my tone.

What helps to keep the tone neutral? Treating each other like crew—professionally. 

I find it easy to let my frustration show in my voice. But if I can switch gears from irritated mate to crew member, my husband is better able to hear my message. 

How does a crew member reply to someone directing their attention to a nearby hazard?

By replying, “thank you.” Or “heard.”

Crew would never reply to their captain with snark. And couples who crew together shouldn’t either.

Timing

When is the best time to communicate? The time when the communication is most likely to be heard.

Bickering after you sideswipe a tree with your rig because of unclear instructions? That’s not communication. The timing is wrong.

In an emergency, or even just a tense moment, the most effective communication is only what you need to resolve the issue. 

Save the actual communication about what went wrong (and right) for a quiet moment later. Believe me, both you and your partner will be better able to hear the communication in a calm moment.

Technique

How does your partner need to receive information?

As an extrovert who processes decisions by talking about them, I don’t respond well to hearing “sure” when we need to make a difficult choice. 

“Should we take up the anchor and move to a less crowded anchorage even though we’ll struggle to find deep enough water to get in?” “Sure.” 

To me, that’s not helpful. It takes time to make the right decision. And if my introvert husband doesn’t process his decision-making in a way I understand, it’s not effective communication.

My husband needs concrete instructions. If I’m the least bit vague, he’ll find a dozen different ways to hear what I say.

To communicate effectively with him, I need to be very concrete.

Slow down a bit is worthless communication. Shift into reverse for three seconds is concrete.

Think carefully about how your partner receives information. Then develop the right technique to communicate with them effectively.

Rewards Of Effective Communication

What is the greatest reward of effective communication? You avoid the fourth “T”—trauma. 

Poor communication can poison all the best parts of the nomad life. 

If you’re sulking from a rough day on the road, you can’t appreciate the warm spring breeze when you stop. Anger at being disrespected during a rough anchoring can keep you from noticing the dolphin mama and baby swimming off your bow.

Even more importantly, effective communication is the key for keeping you safe. 

Don’t wait until you’re crossing a narrow bridge in high winds or docking in a crowded marina to practice your communication skills. You’ll communicate far more effectively if you practice your skills before you need them the most.

Photo by Marcelo Chagas from Pexels

Many of us embark on the nomad life because we want to challenge ourselves. But be aware, traveling couples, that your relationship may be challenged most of all.

Painful Lessons

I hoped no one would come into the marina bathrooms. At least not while I was ugly-crying in the showers. 

I can’t remember the last time I had cried so hard (which for someone with a lifetime history of depression is saying something). But I had no better coping mechanism for dealing with the stress of my struggling marriage. 

Although I had been married 25 years when my husband and I moved on board our sailboat, I discovered things that challenged everything I thought I knew about him and myself. 

Traveling full-time as a couple in a tiny vessel is like earning a Ph.D. in relationship building. 

We’re still learning. And trying to find my best way forward. But do you want to know the 14 things I’ve learned that every traveling couple will learn once they set out?

In no particular order…

Your partner is not different. It’s just that you see them more.

My husband has always struggled with motivation. When he works, he works hard. But when he’s unmotivated, nothing can move him. 

On land, when he struggled at work, I tried to stay out of it. After all, if his boss wasn’t complaining, why should I?

But now, as I spend my time cleaning up the boat, working for my clients, and building my blogs,  I seethe at the lump on the settee binge-watching A Handmaid’s Tale when we have a to-do list five fathoms long.

Nothing has changed. But now it’s happening right in front of me. 

I’d ask Mike what personality trait of mine he always knew I had that is making him crazy on the boat. But I don’t have the courage.

It’s okay to do separate activities.

When we lived on land, we assumed that we’d want to spend time together when we weren’t working. In fact, I joked that it was ridiculous that we lived in a 1300 square foot house since we followed each other from room to room. 

Luckily, on a fun beach vacation, we had already learned the joy of separate activities. While I spent hours lazing on the beach reading my book, my husband bicycled up the shore or took a kayaking trip through the marshes.

It was one of the best vacations we ever had. 

Having separate interests and activities when you travel together (especially in a small boat or RV) is a relationship saver.

Acknowledge your trigger points.

Most people who know me well would not call me an irritable person. But two things definitely make me downright cranky: being hungry and being sleepy. 

I’ve learned not to plan any important tasks for late at night or before breakfast. 

Everyone has a trigger point that will make them irrational. Traveling couples who thrive acknowledge their triggers. And the partner not being triggered has to make allowances for the other.

You’ll see each other at your worst.

When you live in a dirt house, you have more options on a bad day. But when your home and your transport are the same, it’s harder to go off for a long drive to cool your temper. And just try storming off when you’re anchored in rough seas.

You have no choice but to just deal with each other.

Of course…

You’ll see each other at your best too.

I’ve marveled at some of the things I’ve seen my husband do. 

Mike understands the ins and outs of the diesel engine and outboard better than I ever expected. He rivals MacGyver in his ability to rig nearly anything with a few pieces of string. 

He says he hoped that living on a sailboat would be the making of him. I think it has been.

Maybe one day he’ll realize it too.

Full-time travel has little in common with a vacation or weekend away.

Sure, you can learn lessons helpful for full time traveling couples on vacation. But RV life and cruising are not vacations. Trekking around the world takes a level of planning and organization that you don’t need for two weeks on a beach.

Even people who are fortunate enough to not have to work for pay while traveling have plenty of work to do. The sooner you realize you’re not on vacation, the happier you’ll be.

It’s your life. Not a vacation.

You’ll have to find new things to talk about since you’re always around each other.

“So what did you do today?”

“The same thing you did.”

Yep, a life where you live, eat, sleep, and work in the same tiny home can get stagnant. Here’s a tip every traveling couple should heed—make sure you always read different books.

Arguments start from the stress you’re under.

When you’re under stress because you’re broke, tired, or anxious, your nerves will fray. Guess who gets the brunt of that? Yep, your partner.

And with spotty internet, you can’t even get into a twitter rage fest with a stranger. 

But there’s also good news…

After a while, you’ll stop caring about stress-related bickering.

I hate conflict. But I’ve grown a thicker skin since living onboard. 

When Mike snaps at me during a tense moment, I will probably snap back. But I also tell myself, “It’s no big deal. We’re just stressed out.”

You’ll learn the impossibility of controlling another person.

The more you try to control someone the worse the outcome. Besides, the longer you live the more you realize there are infinite ways to do any given task.

As one wise cruiser noted, “6 + 1 = 7, but so does 3 + 4.” 

So learn to sit back and let your partner complete their task the way they want to. Whether you stop trying to control them or don’t, they’re still going to follow their own path.

Your relationship will be transformed.

Your job is to decide if the transformation is into your relationship being a blessing or a curse.

Small space living while traveling requires new coping tools.

I wish I remember where I read it. But one cruiser talked about wearing her “leave me alone” hat. Unable to get much distance from her husband on their 35-foot boat, wearing a particular hat served as a sign that she wanted to be alone. 

My favorite survival tactic? The public library. When anchored near a town, a dinghy ride to the library is much less trouble than a divorce.

And earbuds? They’re my new favorite thing. I buy them by the dozen at the dollar store.

You’ll be happier if you focus on what is going well than on what isn’t.

This is true for everyone at all times. But when a couple is facing the steep learning curve of RV life or cruising, it’s a relationship-saver.

Travel doesn’t change you. It makes you more of who you already are.

That can be a good thing. Or a terrible one.

One thing’s for certain, in the pressure cooker of leading a new life, you’ll gain realizations about your partner and yourself you might never have known if you had stayed in the same place.

Traveling Couples Who Grow

Why travel?

To see new places, meet new people, and to grow.

The traveling couples who grow embrace the new things they learn about each other as much as what they learn from the world they’re exploring.

Do you have what it takes?

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We had never seen such fierce conditions on a sailboat before. And it was scary. But it was a good teaching moment. It’s important to not let fear ruin your relationship

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Nomad life stresses daily relationships. But here’s how to decrease conflict and protect your relationship by acting like crew.

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